Kayla Sue

I Still Take Pictures... Sometimes...

2012-01-15T15:25:00.000-06:00

Every few months... these are obviously from October and November, oops! How has time gotten away from me?! I have taken to instagram since it allows me to be creative quickly and easily. Only 500 of those to share and I'm all caught up! ;)

That One Second He Stood Still

2012-01-05T16:44:00.001-06:00

A Fresh Start

2012-01-02T12:13:00.001-06:00

My focus as we begin the new year :

Change Yourself

Forgive & Let Go

Without Action You're Not Going Anywhere

Take Care Of This Moment

Everyone is Human!

PERSIST

See the Good in People & Help Them

Be Congruent, Be Authentic, Be Your True Self

Continue to Grow & Evolve

Identity

2011-12-27T22:20:00.009-06:00

Three years ago I was a senior in high school. Two seconds later I became a wife and a mom and found myself staring the Army straight in the face while it growled "are you ready for this little girl?" It has been intense and so, so fast.

I wonder - who am I? A stay at home mama? A full time wife? A single mother? (Thanks, deployment.) I move back to my parents and hey look, I'm a high school senior again! All the kids my age are about to graduate college working towards a career, so there's pressure to turn my hobby into a business. I'm packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking and where is home again?

There's a possibility I'm experiencing some identity confusion. It shows here. I am tired of the facade. Tired of posting cute photos instead of being honest. I haven't known what to say so I won't visit for weeks at a time. When I do, I see this mass quantity of bloggers hiding behind carefully chosen words and their own cute photos. Is it real? Because that's what I need right now.

Missing You

2011-11-30T17:20:00.002-06:00

Someday I'll Laugh At This

2011-11-16T15:10:00.000-06:00

Today I had new tires put on my car.

As I was driving home one of the wheels FELL OFF WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

I proceeded to drive it metal to ground into a parking lot to avoid busy after-school traffic. Then I freaked the &%$# out because MY TIRE FELL OFF WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

I will be one angry mama bear if I have to pay for the damage done to the bottom of my vehicle. I guess next time I'll make sure the mechanic BOLTED MY TIRE ON.

Pumpkin Muffin?

2011-11-11T17:08:00.008-06:00

I'm back. Sorry about that.

From now on there will be knitted blankets and hot mugs of coffee or tea - whichever you fancy. Seeing how I've become quite the muffin baker, I could throw a few pumpkin chocolate chip in for good measure.

(Or was coffee enough?)

The harsh Wisconsin winter is practically at our doorstep, so we prepare for long days spent inside.

This winter I want to tell stories with my photographs. I want to learn how to create images indoors that don't make me cringe. This guy blows my mind with his work. Raw, real, honest, beautiful. There's meaning behind each frame and I must learn.

I want to remember the stories.

Peeps

2011-10-13T13:34:00.001-05:00

I really need to work on my time management skills. I booked a bunch of photo sessions for October and never once thought about long it would take to process them afterwards. (Or you know... eat, sleep, work, bathe, and be a mom in between.)

I'm exhausted. And still climbing that mountain.

It's rainy and freezing and after a busy morning at the coffee house all I want to do is snuggle up in bed for a nap. Or catch up on America's Next Top Model. Priorities. (Clearly.)

Instead I will whip up taco dip and creamy grape dessert for a baby shower in t-minus four hours, clean the house for a returning mother who would be none to pleased with it's current state, and uh... shower. A kind gesture for those who live with me.

Anyway, here are some of the happy faces I've been working with. They are fun and inspiring and worth the sleep deprivation. :)

... more to come.

Three Weeks

2011-10-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

We're three weeks into this deployment and today was the first I wasn't able to speak with Michael. I am having a hard time and I think that missed phone call has everything to do with it. Funny how a 25 minute dose of Michael does me well.

We miss him.

Life is so crazy good for so many reasons, but there are times in the midst of joy I look into Levi's face and my heart aches because Michael should be here. He should be here experiencing all this good with us.

When Michael calls each morning I hold the phone to Levi's ear for a few minutes. He becomes very still and listens hard. He never says anything in reply but always smiles in a knowing way. He is very aware that his daddy is on the other end and it brings forth a lot of emotion for us both.

Some days are harder than others.

I Tried

2011-10-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

Alternately titled : "c'mon mom!" or "I hate leaves" or "This sucks" or "Na na na na boo boo!" or "I'm almost two so I don't do photographs" or "I'm nobody's dancing monkey!" or "Bout time you showed my face around here" or "Seriously?" or "Mooooom!" or "So itchy!" or "Suck it".

He's so charming, isn't he? Oh look, pictures from last year! Is that the same child?

Remind Me Again Why I Didn't Use My Camera All Summer?

2011-10-03T11:59:00.001-05:00

And next time smack some sense into me.

We Are Going To Be Ok (And That Feels Good)

2011-09-22T23:02:00.000-05:00

We said goodbye to Michael on Monday morning. It was a lot harder than I remember it being our first deployment. I just could not stop crying.

Since then we have successfully managed to drive a moving truck (with our car hitched to it) from Kansas to Wisconsin. My in-laws made a trip down to help us pack, load, and drive back. We could not have done it without them - WHAT a job. I am so glad it's over with. (I hate moving. And goodbyes.)

Michael has arrived safely to his destination and I've gotten three phone calls from him. Levi and I are all moved in to my parents house for the next six months, and (knock on wood) so far everything is going smoothly.

I am adjusting to a busy schedule, and have so much tv to catch up on it's ridiculous. My mom and I have been preparing for a rummage sale, so between that, unpacking, shopping, taking care of Levi, and seeing my families - these last few days have been a blur. Saturday I have an interview with our local coffee shop, and I would start training next week already. Monday I am taking Levi with me to a military support group and next saturday I begin photo sessions again. (I haven't touched my camera in months. Instagram is where it's at.) On top of all that, I plan to start RUNNING to get rid of this weight. Monday Weigh-In posts are coming back and I am super excited!

Thank you LORD for distractions, a WONDERFUL husband and a great support system! We are so blessed!

The One I Wrote In Two Minutes

2011-09-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

Does a deploying daddy or a moving mommy have spare time to do fun things like blog, relax, or... blog?

Yeah right.

Especially when said mommy (the queen of procrastination) waited until she only had several days to pack up her whole house?

Ouch.

Maybe in a week I'll find time to do fun stuff. But right now? I'm too busy scrambling. And when I'm not scrambling, I'm squeezing in kisses or cuddles with Michael. (Who may guest post before he leaves. If he finds the time, that is.)

Back to stuffing boxes. If you talk to God this weekend, we'd really appreciate your prayers. It's gonna be a tough one all around.

Levi Robert (Needs A Haircut)

2011-09-02T18:45:00.000-05:00

... and a pair of cute toddler (is he really a toddler??) shoes. Which are hard to find for boys, apparently.

Knocked Down

2011-08-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

My spirits are so very heavy. I try to summon the energy to blog. To do chores, to change diapers, to give baths, to make meals.

But it's not there.

I lay on my side of the bed each morning and watch the dust dance through the window light. I think how another day has gone.

Levi knows something is up. He follows Michael around like a puppy and cries by the door when he leaves. He wakes up screaming at night and wants nothing to do with me. (We're thinking night terrors.) He just wants his daddy to hold him.

I'm anxious to return to Wisconsin. To the hustle and bustle of a busy life. To distractions. I have all this pent up ambition pulsing through my veins and it needs to be executed. I know who I want to be and I can't be her here. But in the midst of my day dreams I remember Michael won't be there, and every day brings us closer to a goodbye. It's a giant flashing light. panic. Panic. PANIC.

I hate feeling like a baby about this. The people I admire most are strong in the face of adversity. They have such grace and courage. Sometimes I feel capable, but like a game of hide and seek life finds me and knocks me down.

It's then that I hear Him. "Stand back up. There are better days ahead."

That's So Pinteresting

2011-08-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

I can't stop pinning. It's so pretty and happy and filled with lovely things.

There's beautiful photographs to be inspired by.

Pretty spaces and places and houses to dream of.

Fashion, beauty, and all things feminine. (I WANT THIS OUTFIT.)

But mostly, there are gentle reminders to live life and chase dreams.

Forging Ahead

2011-08-23T01:58:00.000-05:00

Turning my passion into a career is a lot harder than I expected. I'm scared to death of being a disappointment... of failing. (Both easy things to do.)

I'm not sure I've ever put 100% into anything. I've always been the careful one. The cautious one. I don't take risks. I play it safe.

A few years ago I wanted to be a writer. I went to college for a semester and dedicated myself to it. I carried a journal everywhere. When I started skipping classes and getting bad grades, I dropped out before I could fail.

In high-school I fell in love with music and spent all my spare time playing the piano. It calmed my soul and filled me with goodness. I only had several performances before one of them went terribly awry. I was so embarrassed I just stopped playing all together.

This January I hired a personal trainer to finally lose the weight I've been talking about all these years. When things got tough I quit seeing her. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint her.

So when I considered bailing on this photography gig, I had dejavu. The fear of turning a good thing bad paralyzes me. I'd rather spend my life wondering if I'd be great instead of finding out the truth. Or at least, I used to.

I wanted to share one of the comments that was left on my last post because it was absolutely honest and inspiring.

"There is no single perfect job. You can find a field you love and if your lucky, but really more determined, make it your line of work. There are the ups and downs of every single thing you do. You can "believe" these things you have read and use them as an excuse not to pursue your dream. Or you can read them and understand, if you really want to combine your passions and work, it will include sacrifices, passion, emotion, sweat and tears but at the end of the day you will be working in the field you love. Just like having a baby and/or family, there are hard hard times, many sacrifices you will make, tears and frustration but at the end of the day the absolute pure love is all you feel and remember. Believe in your self and work at it. Some people dream of success... while others wake up and work hard at it."

This time can be different if I get out of my own way. I want to be the person who works hard and goes all the way, no excuses.

I could fail.

Or I could finally be great.

It's Personal

2011-08-21T14:54:00.000-05:00

I've been striving to start a photography business for months. When I visited Wisconsin in June, my confidence was at an all time high. I had family and friends calling me up left and right for my "services".

There was one bad experience and it shook me a bit. My photos were sub-par and I could tell my clients were disappointed in the product they had paid for. I'm still carrying around feelings of guilt and failure from that session.

Then I returned home and read this awful article filled with truths about becoming a pro-photographer.

(These are HIGHLY paraphrased!)

"You don't work your own hours, your evenings and weekends book up and you never see your family."

"Being complimented on your photos doesn't mean your ready to be a photographer, it simply means people compare your work to their snapshots. Clients, (those who PAY you for the service) compare your work to what they see on television and in magazines."

"These same clients don't care how creative the shot is if hair is falling into their face or their smile isn't big enough. They don't understand negative space or why you want to take photos of their feet. It won't mean anything to them if they don't like the way they appear in the photo."

"Considering yourself a 'nautral light photographer' is a fancy way of saying you're too cheap to buy lighting gear, or haven't figured out how to use off camera flash."

"You never attract new clients with a facebook page that only your friends and family have liked. People notice when your portfolio is filled with photos of the same 5 people."

"Do not take pictures for profit without a signed contract first. One lawsuit and your business is sunk."

"If you love photography, that doesn't mean you'll love being a pro photographer. Everything changes when you are shooting for someone else. Suddenly you aren't creating for yourself, you're trying to please the mother of the bride. Not to mention the business side of things - selling photos, paperwork, making a profit. Pressure."

YIKES, right?! How could I NOT feel discouraged and embarrassed after reading that? Although these statements are abrasive, they're true. I l-o-v-e photography, and I love giving people photos that light them up. I DON'T want to fall into a trap where people base my work on how their hair looks. I DON'T want to lose joy over the pressure of a business. I DON'T want magazine cover expectations. I just want to be appreciated, I just want to love this as I have.

Anyone with a halfway decent camera is trying to make money off their photos, and I don't want to be a part of it. This is too important to me. Maybe my mistake was trying to turn something personal into a business. Maybe it should stay in the form it was given to me - as a gift.

The End Of An Era (A Picture Heavy Post)

2011-08-20T12:39:00.000-05:00

365 days ago we trekked 12 hours from Wisconsin to Kansas with a moving truck and 6 month old baby in tow. In a lot of ways it's been a hard year, but this is where we learned to be a family. This is where we made a life together.

When we first arrived Levi wasn't even sitting up yet. He fought acid reflux daily but that didn't stop him from being the happy guy he is. I was scared to death of being a parent without his grandparents around, and homesick to boot.

Michael had just returned from his first tour overseas. He was (and still is) my rock through a season of change.

It took a while to "get our feet wet". We often visited Pillsbury Crossing, a natural wildlife park buried in the rolling countryside.

On our way out we'd stop to see the cows and horses. The land here is so yellow in comparison to Wisconsin's lush green. When I think of Kansas, I'll remember the golden light.

The weather was quite a change for this born and raised eskimo. Kansas is HOT and when it rains - it rains hard. We have endured many terrifying storms in just a year. Although tornado season is April - June, this particular wall cloud appeared last September.

Some of you may remember that we adopted a dog. We kept and loved River for several months before she found another home. We knew she would be much happier with a bigger family and a yard to play in. Levi is obsessed with animals and we think it began with River, but there will be no more doggies for us until we own a house.

We had many visits from Levi's grammys, grampys, aunties and uncles. That third bedroom really came in handy! :) Here Gramma was helping Levi sit up before a storm rolled in. (I can't get over that chubby baby face!)

Levi and I had a brief experience with cloth diapers. If we ever have a utility sink those babies are coming back out for sure! I'm so glad we tried them.

Kansas State University is in the heart of town, and directly across from campus is a little shopping block called Aggieville. It's filled with places to eat, shop, and drink. My personal favorites include Bluestem Bistro Coffee, The Dusty Bookshelf, (where you'll find that handsome fella below) Kites Grill & Bar, (best. burgers. ever.) and CD Trade Post. (A fun throwback shop filled with all kinds of gaming/music/movie goodies.) Aggieville has a very fun atmosphere, but we avoided it after K-State sporting events - it can get pretty rowdy! ;)

I wish I could say I got better at cooking, but that's just not the case. One recipe we implemented into our menu was chicken chili. It's the perfect savory dinner during the colder months, but we ate it all year round. Chicken chili literally takes ten minutes to cook and is very tasty. We've definitely made it into a staple.

This was our first entire year as a family, so we finally had a chance to enjoy the holidays together. I welcomed the cooler temps after a hot hot summer... but it didn't snow until Christmas had come and gone. (The photo of the pigeon was taken late December - still no snow!)

We joined a gym in January, determined to fulfill those New Years resolutions. We were pretty dedicated until March, anyway. :)

Levi turned one on February 19th. His Grammy and GGma came down to celebrate and mama made him sit through a smash cake session. I don't think he minded too much! (It's so odd that until his first haircut, he had stick straight hair. Now he has a mop of curls!)

I started going to MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) in November. It was there I met my friend Daneesha, and in March I started babysitting her two girls. Levi loved them! It was so nice to finally have a friend after months of not knowing a soul. (They actually lived in the same apartment complex as us.) We took the kids to the park and mall often, and even had Thanksgiving together. I think we managed to get away from the madness two or three times, once to see Bridesmaids. (SO GOOD.) Now Daneesha lives in Arizona, fairly close to my grandparents. She's pregnant with her third baby (boy! boy!) and maybe I'll have to visit so I can photograph that sweet little man. (She actually doesn't know the gender yet, I'm just convinced.)

It was here that I really decided to chase after my dream of pursuing photography. Michael and Levi let me drag them all over to practice. (There's that golden Kansas light again!)

We spent many a weekend in Kansas City while Michael worked for Strongbonds - a Chaplaincy wide program that the Army provides for soldiers and their families. Most of ours were marriage focused, so I've seen the seminar "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" at least five times. It's funny enough that I don't mind. :) These retreats gave us the chance to explore Kansas City and get away from the daily grind.

Being a housewife and stay at home mom, I sometimes felt like all I ever did was clean and change diapers. Looking back, it's obvious we did much more. :)

The temps this summer have been brutal, so any spare time was spent at the splash pad...

or eating delicious frozen yogurt from Orange leaf...

or playing at the park with new friends...

or chilling at the pool with said friends...

or eating corn at the county fair in the midst of sweaty, stinky ~~people~~ farm animals.

But with the news of a second deployment came the realization that the end of an era draws near. We've been anticipating this all along, but now that it's here I'm having a hard time coming to grips...

One year ago, I was not excited to be moving away from our home, our family, our friends. Now I believe this experience has changed us for the better and I'm thankful for the opportunity we had to live in Kansas. It's going to be a hard goodbye.

Holy Instagram!

2011-08-13T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm an addict! I went a little insta-crazy this week. :) Thank you, iPhone!

(That's not his real mustache. It's a soda-stache.) (Look me up! kaylasue3)

Lately

2011-08-04T13:25:00.006-05:00

Having trouble finding words... wrapped up in some worldly stuff and I hate it. Making every minute with the boys count. We're eating granola and listening to good music... but I'll let Instagram do the talking.

(look me up... kaylasue3)

Let's Get This Over With

2011-07-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

Michael is deploying. Again.

I was going mad thinking of ways to say it but I suppose straightforward will do.

He returned from Iraq one year ago this month. Like clockwork, that army. My walls are up and I'm trying my best not to let reality seep through the cracks. There are moments of weakness. "The last time" hangs fresh in my memory.

I dread his departure. I'll fight ever fiber not to chase after him as he loads onto that bus. Watching someone you love drive away is such an awful thing. Coming home to an empty bed is even worse.

I'll lock myself in the bathroom to cry. My body will collapse around me and rack with silent sobs. Silent because I have to be strong. For Michael, for our marriage, and now? For Levi.

I'll be busy. I know that. Busy chasing a toddler. Busy building a business. Busy making a home.

And there's our family. Our friends. They save us from the darkness.

But pain lies in the moments where we cannot be distracted. They're inevitable and terrifying and hard.

So now I busy myself with boxes that need filling and a house that needs finding. With one deployment under our belt, I know we'll be ok. It won't be easy, but I guess that's just a part of growing.

Should I Home-School?

2011-07-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

Recently this question has weighed heavily on my mind. Before I had Levi, I often entertained the idea of home-schooling my children. I tend to shy away from the topic simply because I lack the knowledge. These thoughts may be a bit premature as Levi is just 18 months, but a decision such as this could take quite a bit of prayer and preparation.

Here's a fun video on the subject :

So tell me - do you home school? Why? What curriculum do you use? At what age did you start teaching your children? How do you ensure they are well socialized outside of your home? Do you ever plan on sending them to public school? If you don't have the required knowledge for a certain subject, how are you able to teach? Does your spouse support this decision? Do you feel that your kids are "missing out" on anything? Were you home-schooled?

On the flip-side, if your kids go to public school, what made you choose that route? How has the public experience been for your children so far? Do you feel that their teachers really care for their well being and are teaching to the best of their ability? Do you believe the other children are a good influence on your child? Would you do things differently?

I plan to share why I'm interested in home-schooling, but thought I'd gather your opinions first. Please be polite!

Riley County Fair

2011-07-23T01:51:00.012-05:00

Despite the sweltering 105 temps we braved the heat and paid a visit to the county fair. Free entertainment, people!

We figured Levi would looooove the animals. He has a fascination with dogs so he should love all furry creatures, right? He giggled for this big eared guy, anyway. (I have a thing for ears... I died.)

After a few minutes of nibbling and snuffing, Levi decided he wasn't a fan of the goat any longer. We tried again with a sweet baby pig, but he wasn't having it. Poor kid was over-stimulated and content to view from the safety of his stroller.

It took all my strength not to steal a piglet. It would've been very Charlotte's Web. But then Michael reminded me that they grow up to look like their mama... and she was one big girl, if you know what I mean.

The cows brought me back to Wisconsin. This mama and baby were snuggling... too cute.

Michael was upset we skipped the funnel cake. And Levi? He just wanted some corn.

Michael and I are going back on Sunday sans Levi. (We actually have a sitter and plans for a REAL date!) It was painful not to ride the tilt'o'whirl or ferris wheel this time... even if they do cost 3 bucks a piece. Amusement rides aren't just for kids, I swear!

So howbout you? Eaten a baked twinkie yet? Or does the thought of a giant, sweaty crowd make you cringe?

Life Sucking Machine

2011-07-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

I could be opening a can of worms here... but I can't help myself.

Many of you know that Michael and I are young. We married at 18, had Levi at 19, and now we're the ripe ole age of 21.

The entirety of our relationship we have been showered with comments like, "Wow! Engaged? Make it a long one!" and "You're getting married already?! That's NUTS!" and (to the news of our pregnancy with Levi) "I can't say it's a good idea..."

Why is young marriage/parenthood so appalling to modern day society? They tell us, "Go to college! Get a job! Buy a house! Travel the world! Follow your dreams! But most of all - make sure you're 85 before you get married and have kids!"

When you see a mom at the grocery store with her children is it cute to say, "Wow! You've got your hands full!" or "Just wait until they are teenagers!" People are so eager to talk about why you shouldn't have children, how you can prevent them, and how they'll never make that mistake. It's as though we believe settling down is going to SUCK THE LIFE RIGHT OUT OF US! Watch out! It's the marriage sucking machine! Pop out a couple gremlins and divorce will be quick to follow!

Really, people?

I was reading an article today and happened upon this quote: "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

I find it very unfortunate that so many people view marriage and parenthood as a chore. They are BLESSINGS! They are FUN! They bring JOY and LIFE! Are they for everyone? No! But the next time you see a big family and open your mouth to make a rude comment, try thinking first and realize they might actually enjoy their life!

Chillin

2011-07-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

Our lives are about to change in a big way.

For now we're soaking up the sun and enjoying time as a family.

Just chillin'. :)

You Capture | Little Cute Babies

2011-07-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

I told you Levi fell for a brunette babe, didn't I? Oh, the puppy love. One look at her pearly whites and he was done for!

Those big doe eyes really aren't helping matters...

He likes dog poop, she eats dead flies... it's undeniable.

I'm actually a little jealous. He's MINE for the next 17 years, ok?!

(Now he's trying to stuff one of my bras into a bag of tortilla chips... on second thought, she can have him!)

Head over to Beth's blog for more little cute babies! :)

Toughing It Out

2011-07-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

Michael and I are not your typical gung-ho Army family. There are many enlisted soldiers who eat, sleep, and breathe the military. Their wives know all the acronyms, ranks, and policies - we call them "lifers".

You may have noticed I seldom talk about our experience with the Army. While we are proud Americans, the insight we've gained has left us a bit jaded to their ways. Quite frankly, we've been screwed over one too many times. It's extremely frustrating and disheartening how little Michael's unit cares for their soldiers. (Forget about the families!) These men put in LONG hours at work busting their asses and get little to no recognition for their effort. It's all about rank and what kind of shape you are in.

For a naive & passionate 18 year old boy eager to serve his country, this was quite disappointing.

While we've struggled to remain optimistic throughout the past three years, the Army provides us a secure paycheck and great benefits. We are very thankful for that. Our marriage is stronger and wiser. We're learning to make friends out of necessity. Above all, I believe God is teaching us to roll with the punches. Man, do they keep on coming.

One year left.

A Little Bit of Levi

2011-07-06T17:41:00.004-05:00

There's something so fun about 12-18 month olds. Michael and I are really enjoying this stage with Levi. He does the funniest things and is soaking up the world like a sponge.

We've had to be a bit more firm with him than usual since our return from Wisconsin. I'm not sure he had any discipline during our visit! Now (for the most part) he listens very well when we say no. But in return, he head butts the nearest wall, window, floor, or piece of furniture. It's kind of disturbing, but upon further investigation I'm finding this to be fairly normal behavior for kids his age. At least he's not biting himself! When we walk in on him doing something he knows he shouldn't be, he jumps about a foot and his eyes get as big as saucers. It's so funny we usually forget to be upset. :)

He's very dependent on our reactions. If we laugh at him, he'll do whatever it was again and again, making us laugh even more. Several months ago, my mother-in-law was visiting and she pretended to cry. We'd never done this, and it must have freaked him out because he started crying big crocodile tears! It's scary how much he watches the way we interact, truthfully!

It's been awesome to see his personality emerge. He's laid back like his daddy with a bit of Mama's sass. He's a busy boy and a drama king. Overall he's a very happy camper and smiles ALL THE TIME.

But then there is his naughty face. He looks me straight in the eye and flashes the tiniest smirk before misbehaving, almost as if to say, "Oh, you think you're in charge lady? Let me show you whose boss!"

See?

He loves to play with other kids, so we've never had a problem leaving him in nursery or day care. (He doesn't understand the concept of sharing, though.) We just hired our first real babysitter to watch him for a few hours on my birthday. I'm not too nervous, but it feels like quite the milestone!

Bananas and mandarin oranges are his favorite. He recently decided he's not interested in peanut butter and jelly anymore. We've had to call Poison Control twice, once after he ate dog poop and the second after we found him covered in Triple Paste, licking his fingers. (Fantastic.)

He'd rather play with a cell phone or the remote than a toy, and he's taken a liking to splashing in the toilet and wearing underwear on his head.

When he wants attention he fake coughs, or he'll pretend to put something in his mouth so he can laugh at me when I find nothing in it. (Really, he thinks it's hilarious.) If one of us is laying on the floor it's pretty much an invitation to have our hair pulled, be climbed on, or hit in the face. We're still working on "gentle". (The joys of having a boy.) Oh, and he really likes wearing my headbands.

I've especially loved watching his relationship with Michael bloom. He sure loves his daddy! Michael missed the first 6 months of Levi's life while he was in Iraq, but they've come leaps and bounds and that makes me smile.

Levi has been nothing but a joy and fills our lives with the good stuff - laughter, smiles, love. We are so deeply blessed with this child and delight in watching him grow.

America's Birthday

2011-07-04T22:40:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm still playing catch-up. I won't bore you with housewife talk because honestly, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. (Thank goodness for the crock-pot.)

Instead let's talk about the fun things we did this weekend, like eat ice cream!

The average temps around these parts have been HOT. Three days in a row we were greeted by a blast of 103 degrees dripping with humidity. It was pretty miserable, but then we found Orange Leaf - a bright, funky ice cream shop that introduced us to the Boba Ball. My husband would eat an entire bowl of them alone, if he could. They pop in your mouth and leave you with a refreshing burst of mango juice. (Or orange, or strawberry, if you wish.)

Anyway. We found this hidden gem after taking Levi to his very first splash park. I think he would have enjoyed it more had he been able to run all over. (No, at 16 months he's still not quite walking. He can get across a room but prefers to crawl. Anyone else's kid take their sweet time?)

Other weekend perks included Mario Bros on the wii, long naps, nachos, several episodes of Wild Boyz, a bbq with new friends, and a water balloon fight.

To wrap it all up Michael and I enjoyed the fireworks show from our balcony - with the fireflies. We weren't able to be at the park due to Levi's earlier bed-time, but our own private viewing was pretty awesome, too.

What a great birthday, America. Thanks to our people for defending our freedom!

Welcome, Summer

2011-06-29T19:49:00.002-05:00

Hi, friends.

I'm still behind but feeling so much better. Today? Levi and I played. We played all day long and didn't worry about dishes, laundry, or bills. We tickled and chased and read books and went swimming... Levi was especially excited after he finished his lunch and ate a soft sugar cookie with brightly colored frosting! Now we're tired enough to collapse into bed and fall asleep with smiles on our faces, our day was so fun.

Tomorrow the sun will hang high above us and it will probably reach 100 degrees once more. For dinner we'll grill burgers, slurp watermelon, and nibble at corn on the cob before another swim. It's fourth of July weekend and we're looking forward to fireworks, parades, and fruit pizza.

I think it's safe to say summer is here. If we never stop smelling like sunblock, that'll be ok with me.

Wisconsin Photo Dump Part 2

2011-06-29T12:12:00.000-05:00

Wisconsin Photo Dump Part 1

2011-06-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

STOP

2011-06-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

UGH. I can't catch up. I just can't do it.

I think I have a virus very similar to hand foot and mouth disease. The night we returned to HOT Kansas I had a 103 fever. (Let me tell you how fun that 2 hour shuttle ride was...) Now I have very painful red spots on my hands and feet, and blisters in my throat.

It took every ounce of energy I had to run three loads of dishes yesterday, but the rest of the house is still in shambles. Bills and mail and laundry and car problems... I could fill a swimming pool with the photos I have yet to upload, edit, and organize. I haven't blogged because I don't even know where to start.

CAN WE JUST FREEZE FOR A SECOND?! Mama needs some time! (And a nap!)

You Capture | Purple

2011-06-23T10:52:00.001-05:00

The past 23 days in Wisconsin have been BUSY and FAST. Much of my time was spent during photo sessions. It's been a wonderful experience and I love it more every day.

When I'm not working, I leave my camera to rest and hold tight to these moments with our families. I know soon life will grow quiet and I'll miss this.

As a result I don't have much outside my clients for this You Capture. So... I'm kind of cheating. I thumbed through this week's photos and amongst all the bright colors, I found just a speck of purple.

But she's darn cute, isn't she?

Pinching Myself

2011-06-22T23:34:00.011-05:00

When I purchased my first DSLR, only in my wildest dreams would I have come this far.

I am able to take the joy that fills my heart, and give it to another.

Sometimes there are growing pains of struggle or frustration...

But there is always perseverance and hope.

I'm finally ready to fly.

That Shirt & Those Curls

2011-06-21T11:25:00.002-05:00

Are to die for!

Sometimes

2011-06-15T13:17:00.004-05:00

I'm too excited not to share.

What a problem, right?

Lovesick

2011-06-14T11:09:00.009-05:00

I have butterflies.

I haven't been this "giddy" since Michael and I were first dating. Symptoms: sweaty palms, racing heart, lurching stomach. Am I falling in love?

I think I am.

I walked away from the sweetest family session last night completely elated. I climbed into my car and smiled the entire way home. All the nerves and anxiety I had leading up to it were replaced with feelings of fulfillment, contentedness, and excitement. I could be one of those rare souls who finds joy in their work. I could be her.

I want to help my family. I want to give to others. I want to wrap myself up in this art like a blanket and never emerge.

I have a dream, and I'm THIS CLOSE to making it my reality.

Man, I'm lucky.

Having Way Too Much Fun

2011-06-07T10:02:00.005-05:00

Hi friends! I thought I'd share my first newborn session with you. It went SO WELL! I prepared for the worst but this peanut was a champ and slept the entire time. It was surprisingly hard to pose him, they don't fall into place quite as nicely as you'd expect. :)

This has been my favorite shoot to date. Thank you Debbie for sharing your sweet Lincoln with me!

Do you have baby fever yet? :)

Busy

2011-06-04T23:58:00.007-05:00

Wow, I am tired... like aching bones tired. I can't believe I'm blogging.

We've been in Wisconsin for three days now and it's been BUSY BUSY BUSY. But so good.

Levi is not taking well to all this change. He has been clinging to my legs and cries whenever I walk out of a room. It's such unusual behavior for him. I suppose an entire day of traveling + new surroundings + tons of faces could be attributing to his anxiety.

I took this photo at target last night. (Was it last night? Yes. Seems like forever ago.) I imagine this is how Levi is feeling about life right now.

He's just looking for one thing to focus on and I guess that thing is me. Every day he gets a little better, thank God!

Today I had a senior session and it went great. I''m way too tired to edit but I do have one photo I'll share since I'm feeling nice. (And because I can't stop looking at it.)

That's my little sister-in-law. She's soooo beautiful and fun. I hope she likes her pictures.

Tomorrow MY little sister graduates high school. I swear I was just receiving my own diploma. I'm officially old.

Monday morning I have my first NEWBORN SESSION! I am SO excited and SO nervous. I have high hopes but I hear they are a struggle. Whatever happens I'll get to snuggle a squishy little two week old. I'm sure it will do wonders for my baby fever.

Alright. If I don't get to bed soon it will be six am and I'll be even more tired.

Happy weekend, friends.

Michael Here

2011-06-02T09:19:00.007-05:00

I'm sitting in for Kayla today as a scribe of sorts. She doesn't have time to write before she leaves so she's talking at me and I'm writing for her. Expect a slaughter of the English language from my part.

She's flying to Wisconsin today with our little guy and flipping shit about having to go without me. (You know, somehow the plane is less likely to burst into flames if I'm on it.) She's not a big fan of planes. We're also not big fans of leaving each other. I think the deployment during our first year of marriage gave us some weird separation anxiety/emotional scarring. Now when we're apart we act like mind fucked little dogs whose masters' are about to leave. We whine, mope, bark at the door, drink heavily, and piss on the carpet... well I'm the only one responsible for the last two.

It's true I'm going to miss her like most of you won't be able to understand, however this little seperation has its perks too, like finally being able to sleep on my back. Saying that I love to sleep on my back is an understatement. I lust after it. On my list of desires and needs it ranks right under guns, which happens to be number 4 on that list. Sleeping in the supine (face upward) leaves one undesired effect. I make a noise that sounds a little something like an unwilling grizzly bear being bf'ed by a large bull elephant. Some call it snoring my wife calls it "sleep on your stomach or I will kill you ".

Anyway, she probably won't be posting much for the next week or two... so when she does, savor it. (And that's the only thing she actually told me to write.) You may even see me around again.

World War 1 Museum

2011-05-30T12:16:00.003-05:00

Remember the nine million that were lost in this war, and all the wars to follow. They made the sacrifice so that we could celebrate, free, today. (And if you ever can, go see this museum. Incredible.)

Enjoy your Memorial Day and eat a hot dog for me! I'm taking my soldier to see the Hangover 2. (Ready to get our laugh on!) The pool just opened and I think we'll be having some of this, too:

Yum. :)

Happy Memorial Day, friends.

Get Me Outta Here!

2011-05-24T19:03:00.002-05:00

Tornados freak me out. Bad. (Only second to the ring girl.)

This morning I woke up to a black sky and a wall cloud. In Kansas, this is bad news bears. I've seen a wall cloud once before - last September. Remember this?

It tried its best to brew a twister. Wall clouds are no joke.

I've had the weather channel on all day and I should probably turn the damn thing off. Tornado threats are high - 90 percent here and in the surrounding areas.

FANTASTIC.

How do I prepare for a tornado?! We live on the third floor of an apartment. There's no shelter or basement. Yeah, you heard me right. NO SHELTER OR BASEMENT!

I'm checking out the window every five minutes and throwing together an emergency bag. How do I chose what to save? DH barks an order to pack a change of clothes, bottled water, and canned food. (He's very serious in a crisis!) I'm thinking... what about my beautiful DSLR? Our external hard-drive? Diapers, wipes, cell phones, chargers... what's important?

I love our house. Our things. There is comfort and there are memories. My heart breaks for the people who have already lost so much due to these natural disasters. Have you seen the devastation in Joplin, MO? What about Alabama? Tonight another line of storms is supposed to hit and destroy. I'm praying hard it's not us.

I have 3 hours until this gets real. Do I clean the house? Bake some cookies? Take a nap? Pop a few excedrin migraine and crawl under the covers to cry? I think I have to pee. Or throw up. SLOW DOWN HEART YOU'RE BEATING TOO FAST!

At least Levi got his nap in.

Please pray for us.

**It's been 4 hours and the first storm is starting to roll in. We have a tornado watch, my house is (mostly) clean, and there are packed bags by the door. All I can do now is enjoy The Biggest Loser Finale and pray! (Go Olivia!!)

Today

2011-05-24T00:31:00.000-05:00

Hello, friends.

I am exhausted. It's late. So late.

I wish I had more to say, but my lids are heavy. You know what's awesome, though? Getting to know you. It's been so fun emailing back and forth! I love my readers, I really do.

I love this, too.

What do you love today?

Bridesmaids

2011-05-21T21:58:00.008-05:00

I LOVED IT!

If you are female and you like to laugh... this is a must see.

The movie was made for women. Sweet, sometimes sad, a little bit romantic, and A LOT of hilarious. We had a fun crowd in the theatre and everyone laughed their butts off.

Two warnings - if you are missing a close friend, this will make it worse. (I miss mine SO MUCH!) Also, it's rated R and for good reason.

Honestly, do yourself a favor and see this film. Get your girls together or drag your hubby along, even he will laugh. Then come back to tell me how much you loved it and share all of your favorite parts!

For those who have seen it, I was in tears during the airplane scene. OH MY GOSH. I could not stop laughing.

Best $7.50 ever.

Quiet Morning

2011-05-20T10:22:00.005-05:00

Now and again, silence is a welcome visitor in this house. Other than a few distant rumbles of thunder, all is quiet.

I am sitting in my chair, soaking up my clean house. Yesterday I tackled our bedroom. It looks so different when the floor is visible! I have to remind myself mid reach that our clothes are now in the dresser instead of the record breaking mountain that once towered above us. I've never folded so much laundry in my life. We watched Blue Valentine while I worked. (Ryan Gosling!) What a depressing movie - but real. And real is good.

Today I have more messes waiting in the nursery and bathroom. But after yesterday, it will be a piece of cake. And then? I will have an entirely clean house. I'm not sure that's ever happened.

Tonight I am going out with a friend. DH is on baby duty and we are going to eat at Panera and buy tickets to see Bridesmaids. I hope it is hilarious. I want to laugh and laugh and laugh. But just getting out for a night to be Girl instead of Mom or Wife will be refreshing.

For now I will eat a bowl of Captain Crunch and delight in morning snuggles with a certain little man. (Oh, the bed-head!)

Life is good.

Eye Candy

2011-05-19T11:27:00.004-05:00

Ladies, there's a fun linky circulating this morning. It involves hot men (lots of them), and was inspired by Friends.

The celebrity freebie list - top 5 people celebs you'd sleep with. (I hope my husband doesn't see this.) (Just kidding. He's probably making his, too. What a jerk.)

This is only going to confirm how dorky I am. Not many of my "picks" will be shirtless with steaming six pack abs... they'll probably be clothed with curly hair. Probably.

Andy Whitfield

Oops... guess not. Spartacus is one of DH's favorite shows. He thinks I like it. Now you know why.

John Krasinski

I love The Office. Times a million. Mostly because Jim is the SWEETEST MAN ALIVE. Funny, too. What really got him into the top five? His expressions. They get me every time. (I mean LOOK AT HIM!)

Tegan & Sara

They are adorable. I love their music. I have a huge girl crush on them. Don't judge.

Logan Marshall Green

He was Trey in The OC, and a mechanic in Devil. (Mechanic!!) What I love about him is how versatile he is. He's a badass dork and he wants redemption for it. I forgive you, baby.

Bryan Greenberg

He sings. He reminds me of John Krasinksi, and the way he's wearing that belt buckle... he makes the list.

Two honorable mentions : Adam Brody and Leonardo Dicaprio. Adam Brody would have been number one had I not met him in person and realized he's about an inch shorter than me. That sucked. And Leonardo? I had the biggest crush on him for years. I kissed the TV once when Titanic was on, it was that bad. He's my first celebrity love. I'm just not sure I'd sleep with him. (Ok, I would.)

Now go. Make your list. I know you want to.

You Capture | Busy

2011-05-18T09:57:00.012-05:00

It's been a long time since I've participated in You Capture. I'm running low on creative juice.

This is my busy. I have an endless supply of dirty dishes. If you know anyone who would like some, send them my way! (We have laundry, too!)

Notice there is an entire clean load in that dishwasher and a mountain of dirty dishes still in the sink! That's the mess I woke up to this morning. We're pigs.

Is your house clean? (I don't believe you.)

Grease Monkey

2011-05-17T10:13:00.013-05:00

I have SO many things to do today. SO MANY! Why am I blogging? I have so much to do. But I want to talk about my kid. That's important, right?

He's had a rash for over a week. We were thinking food allergy or heat rash, but low and behold mama passed on her I SUCK gene and he has a bad case of eczema. It's mostly on the back of his neck and forehead. He doesn't like the itching much, so we've turned him into a grease monkey with all the aquaphor and hydrocortisone we're going through.

Also I don't know who is teaching him how to talk but there's no way they speak English. He has taken his babbling to a whole new level and well, it sounds foreign and it's hilarious. The other day he found his boy parts (or best friend, says DH) while taking a bath. We had a good laugh over that one. Now he's determined to drink an unopened can of diet coke. He is perplexed. Especially since the shaking isn't working.

Someday, young jedi.

I have PICTURES! But only two. I have not been inspired in this department lately. It's killing me.

And now I must go because I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. But you knew that.
I will clean this house, I will clean this house, I will clean this house. And cook. I think I will cook.

Hope you have a great day, friends!

I think he's saying, "you better get to work, mom!"

This Is Why I'm Hot Chubby?

2011-05-16T10:22:00.007-05:00

There are so many things we could chat about, friends. (Like DH had himself a pheasant dinner last night. But let's not go there.)

Instead let's talk about how I'm sitting in my favorite chair, eating baked doritos and drinking a diet coke. The chair was given to me by a friend. In their home, the chair was not well liked. A misfit. She asked me if I wanted it and OH MY GOSH did I ever. It's short, but so squishy and did I mention it's a rocker and has an ottoman? Most people have a hard time getting out of it but me, I could live in this chair.

Anyway. Remember how I was complaining about being fat and my love for donut holes and pizza? (And really, donut holes are not high on my list.) Well, I'm gearing up to kick these habits to the curb. I always know I'm ready when I see snacks in the pantry and think, "ughhh.... more of this crap?" But I also think, "I really do love you, baked doritos." This week would be nice except we're going to Wisconsin very soon for fifteen whole days and I dream of the food we'll eat. Who knew Kansas doesn't have a Culvers, Pizza Ranch, Highland House, OR Cousin Subs? (Not to mention all the HOME COOKED goodness waiting for us!) So yeah, this week won't do. I better come home from Wisconsin feeling like a stuffed sausage. Then I'll buy a body bugg (which I'm super duper excited about) and a pair of running shoes (crap I'll need a jogging stroller while I'm at it) and kick some fat ass.

For now I'll sit in this squishy chair and eat my doritos. (Don't forget they're baked, people. See, healthy!)

Road Kill

2011-05-15T14:45:00.003-05:00

On our way home from dinner last night, we hit a pheasant.

I was glued to my iPhone when DH blasted the horn and slammed on the brakes. I saw a burst of feathers and then we were pulling over.

DH surveyed the damage, and after declaring two broken legs and a broken wing decided to take it upon himself to break its neck, too. (He was being nice, you know. Didn't want the coyotes to eat it alive. Are there coyotes in Kansas?)

He thoughtfully dumped it into a BACK PACK and set it on the seat beside our son.

I have a dead bird in the fridge. A DEAD BIRD. (Right next to the diet coke and shredded cheese.) I mean really, who in their right mind would eat an animal? I much prefer hamburgers or chicken tenders. :)

Is This Thing On? (Tap, Tap) Anyone There?

2011-05-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

**This was one of the posts I lost due to Blogger's crash, so I apologize if your comments aren't exactly as they were written. You can read the content I borrowed here.**

I was fairly surprised (but not really) how many of you struggle with the commenting aspect of blogging. I know I do! I'll go over a few of the responses left on my last post because (for the most part) I can completely relate.

"I know at times if I don't receive comments I feel like I failed to get across what I was trying to say." I so understand this. I happen to think I'm pretty hilarious, so when I write something funny or sarcastic, I'm disappointed when I don't get it dished back. If I feel alone in an issue, I'm hoping you ladies are all, "Oh girl, I've been there and you're not the only one!" (Or, "STOP NOW YOU'RE SO WRONG. Because sometimes we need to hear that.) But when there are no comments, (chirp chirp, chirp chirp) I feel even more alone than I did to begin with. (And stupid.)

"I couldn't agree more, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't (recently) consider closing down my blog simply because I felt ignored." I think I'll borrow a few words from Beth on this one: "Can you imagine wanting to share a story, thought, or belief with forty people and preparing what you had to say, choosing the right words, nervously approaching them and then saying what you had to say, just as you planned it? You wait for the response and the person you are talking to listens, looks at you and just walks away. Without a smile, without a frown- no reaction. And out of the forty people you say this to, only one replies to you. Can you imagine? A blogger who is appreciated is more likely to be a happy blogger and a happy blogger blogs for a long time and doesn't stop because they are under appreciated or frustrated." So Miss V, please don't close your blog, you ARE appreciated!

"I blog to document my life and the lives of my children, not to "whore" myself out and beg for people to read. I guess I don't see what the fuss is about." I definitely think "the fuss" depends on why you blog. If documenting your life is enough and makes you happy, I admire that and WISH it were the case for me. Personally I believe we can find support, encouragement, inspiration, and friendship through blogging. It is a social network, after all. I guess I want to take full advantage of that.

"I try to convince myself that the amount of comments I receive doesn't bug me, but it kinda does. " I think most of us try to assure ourselves we don't care about feedback, but we're only human. We crave interaction, and honestly, if I didn't want to hear from my readers I'd pick up a pen and write in a journal.

"We take the time to update our Facebook status or maybe "like" someone's status, but do we ever get past those superficial, impersonal relationships?" I'd rather NOT receive a comment then a thoughtless, two word response like, "Great post!" or even worse, "I'm following you, come follow me!" It's easy to tell when someone is being genuine or looking for traffic. (aka "whoring" yourself out.) If a writer gets personal in their post, consider how much heart went into it and remember they want to know they were heard. "There is one thing all bloggers have in common, it takes our time, it comes from our hearts, (I hope) and most of the time, bloggers are proud of what they have written."

I suck at this. I have about fifteen blogs in my feed and I read every new post, but you know how often I comment? Almost never. We all understand there won't always be time and there won't always be words to say. I simply hope this post raises awareness on the importance of commenting. Your words matter, and most of the time a blogger just wants to know theirs do, too.

My Diet Lives Vicariously Through My Kid

2011-05-11T10:44:00.010-05:00

As I watch Levi eat his peaches, bananas, and pears, (he always has fruit for breakfast. always.) I'm thinking about how these donut holes I'm eating are attaching themselves to my double chin and thighs. (They jumped into my cart last night. I swear.)

I go out of my way to make sure my kid is eating a healthy, balanced diet. He eats so much fruit and yogurt and avocados... and then I feel fuzzy inside because he drinks whole milk and eats cheese and is getting all the nutrition he needs.

Too bad his fat ass mom can't stop eating HoHo's, donut holes, ice cream sandwiches, or pizza. (Oh, and mocha coconut frappuccinos. Can't forget that one.)

I was actively trying to lose weight and get fit at the new year until oh, about two months ago. I yoyoed myself down six pounds but got bored and hungry and tired of seeing the scale not budge. So I paid a visit to my old friends Taco Bell and McDonalds and I'm a diet coke addict now more than EVER. Hello six pounds! (and then four more pounds.)

I feel like crap. I never have energy and the acne has come back to haunt me, but I can't stop eating. And then something REALLY scary happened to me a few weeks ago... I lost interest in food all together. I'd grab a snack or we'd be in the middle of a meal, I'd look down and think, "Why am I eating this? It doesn't taste good! It's not making me happy!" Then I'd really get upset because damn, I wanted to eat that food and enjoy it.

I'd probably be on Weight Watchers or at the gym right now, except I had this big idea that my mother-in-law (bless her soul) and I would audition for The Biggest Loser 13 this summer. My heart is with that show. A hundred times I've sat at home watching these people change, stuffing my face with baked chips and hummus, bawling my eyes out because I want it so bad. About a month ago I reached a point where I wasn't scared of auditioning anymore. I wasn't going to fear the intense workouts, vegetables, or being topless in front of ALL OF AMERICA. Nope. I was so pissed off I just didn't care.

Turns out for the show, I'm a little on the small side. They like to see people with 100+ pounds to lose, BUT the casting director herself said if you have 85-100, come to a casting call anyway.

In my pathetic mind, that meant... hey! I've got exactly 80 pounds to lose. It doesn't matter if I gain a few more pounds by this summer, it will probably just HELP me! (You know where this is going. Donut holes & HoHos.)

I look at my sweet angel playing so contently with his toys in the next room, and my heart aches just thinking about leaving him. DH is likely facing a deployment this year. How could I leave my family now? I'm starting to think it's ridiculous for me to put my life on hold for this show when a) the timing might not be right and b) I probably won't make it. (Did you know about 250,000 people audition each season?! THAT IS INSANE!)

Or maybe I'm starting to chicken out.

WHATEVER it is, I can't keep doing this to myself. My wii fit is staring me in the face and I had a dream last night that I actually met Jillian Michaels. (That's like, my ultimate fantasy. I wanted to cry when I found out she's not coming back to the Biggest Loser.)

So what should I do with this full container of donut holes sitting next to me?

HoHos and Amy Roloff

2011-05-10T21:56:00.004-05:00

I'm eating a HoHo (Ding Dong? Little Debbie? The perv that's naming these needs a replacement.) while watching teen mom. Except I'm not really watching because every two minutes someone wants another bite of macaroni, or someone needs help with the computer, or poops their pants, or puts something they're not supposed to in their mouth... good times.

I never eat HoHos, (I feel weird saying HoHo) but I received a (unwelcomed) surprise visit from someone ~~special~~ today. My uterus is crying and I think my brain is going to burst out the front of my head, and well... after I finished the last ice cream sandwich, we were out of chocolate. Did you hear that? OUT OF CHOCOLATE!

So I packed Levi into the car (DH didn't want to come along because he had just worked ten hours or something. The nerve, right?) and we went on a mission for chocolate. Actually, Levi needed some benadryl for his weird heat rash/allergic reaction, and I needed more... stuff... for my visitor, chocolate included.

I may or may not have picked up mocha coconut frappuccino number four on the way. But even if I had, I wouldn't tell you guys. Because you're already picturing me on the couch with my pants unbuttoned and fat rolling out, right?

Well that benadryl turned into five thousand others things, and since DH loves HoHos so much (and they're chocolate) I grabbed a box. Great value brand... less than two bucks... thank you chocolate gods.

Also I swear Amy Roloff cut me off when she came shooting out of an aisle, but alas, it was not Amy Roloff. From behind, this little lady looked JUST LIKE HER. I was ready to whip out my iPhone and text DH I had met Amy Roloff. (I used to love that show, by the way. But towards the end, they all got so... mean and whiny. So I stopped watching.)

And that's how I got to this moment where I am sitting on the couch, eating a HoHo, and watching Teen Mom. Except my HoHo is gone, Teen Mom is over, and my kid is so ready for bed. (My headache too.)

Exciting stuff.

Why Yes, I'll Take a Snuggle For My Service

2011-05-10T09:37:00.001-05:00

I was rudely awoken this morning to Levi screaming his head off. It was his panicked, "THIS REALLY HURTS" cry, so I knew right away something was wrong.

I raced to his bedroom to find he had gotten his knee stuck in his crib. HIS KNEE. Not his leg or arm... his knee. The rest of his leg was bent beneath it, and it really did look painful. (How does this happen?!) I had to yank it out while he screamed and writhed and I felt like such a bad mommy.

But then he snuggled with me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder, and stayed that way for more than 5 seconds. I swear he whispered, "Thanks for being the best mommy ever and saving my extremities. I really appreciate it."

I'll remember that snuggle when I'm dangling at the end of my rope later.

You Can Never Use Too Many Parentheses

2011-05-09T21:12:00.013-05:00

I'm not sure I can ever look at another mocha coconut frappuccino.

Once I knew today's nap was a pipe dream and nothing more, I called up my (only) girlfriend (here) (thank god for her... really) and demanded we make plans. (Because, ya know, I hadn't left the house in two days.)

She happily agreed to go to the park, only after taking advantage of Starbucks happy hour.

For those of you following along with my mocha coconut frappuccino count, this put's the talley at two. While slurping our icy treats, (99 degrees out, people) we head to the playground and comment on how wonderfully similar these drinks are to a mounds bar.

Did I mention how hot it was? Thank goodness it wasn't humid or we would have looked like drowned rats. Every kid there was playing hard, and their little cheeks were all so red. (My sweet Levi's included.) Speaking of hot and Levi, I think he has a heat rash. He's been scratching his head a lot and today I noticed red bumps behind his ears and along his head/neck. Poor kid.

Anyway, we decided to round up our husbands and have dinner at AppleBees. (DH was on his way home from ~~hell~~ work. He asked me to order him a strong drink. Mondays.) It was so nice. I love adult company. (And food.) One of the kids asked DH if he has a boyfriend. How hilarious is that? When saying goodbye she yells to him, "bye Kayla's mom!" (The things kids say!) I don't think I've ever seen Stinky eat as much as he did. He could not stop shoveling food into his face. I guess that's what happens when you play hard and breathe fresh air. (He also went to bed the minute we got home. I think we'll be doing this more often!)

As we are driving back from dinner, DH asks me if we can get frappuccinos. Who am I to deny this poor man dessert after the day he had? (Especially after being asked if he had a boyfriend!) Yes. We went. Mocha coconut frappuccino number three. I guess with a belly full of mozzarella sticks AND my frappuccino from earlier, it didn't sit well.

Happy hour... you betrayed me.

Now I'm trying my best not to eat the cold pizza in the fridge. Lord, help me.

It's Mothers Day

2011-05-08T13:50:00.006-05:00

So when Stinky woke up at 8, I gave him a bottle and a few toys so I could go back to bed until 9.

So I treated myself to an ice cream sandwich for breakfast.

So I'm not going to touch the four loads of laundry that are wrinkling in their baskets.

So I'm going to read as many blogs as I want and watch as much Glee as I want.

So I'm going to stay in pajamas all day. Even if we decide to leave the house for Starbucks Happy Hour. (Just kidding. Not really.)

So I'm going to stare at my kid and marvel at how dang cute he is. And that he's mine.

So I'm going to cover my tostitos in cheese and dip them in salsa, then drink a nice tall glass of diet coke with ice.

So I'm going to be annoyed when DH calls me and asks what's for lunch, meaning, "please make me lunch now so it's ready when I get home." It's mothers day, dammit. Make your own lunch. (Just kidding. He did buy me a wii fit. What a guy!)

So I'm going to wish we had money to order pizza. But we don't. We'll eat a luxurious meal of mac'n'cheese with chili dogs instead.

So I'm not going to think about how I need to start Weight Watchers again. Or wonder when Biggest Loser 13 casting calls are going to begin.

So I might ask DH for a really long back massage. :)

So I'm going to wish I were in Wisconsin to do all this fun stuff with my moms. Because I love them and miss them and they really really are my best friends. Skype will have to do.

So if your a mom, I hope you enjoy your chili dog while wearing pajamas and watching glee, too. (Grin)

Ugly

2011-05-08T12:27:00.012-05:00

After yesterday's photography rant, I felt better. Initially. But then I began to feel lousy. Lousy for putting down happy people. We all know it means that I'm unhappy.

I'm just not where I want to be with my art, and obviously it gets to me. Allowing these ugly feelings to surface is not the kind of person I want to be. Maybe I need to take a good look at why I'm pursuing this field.

Anyway, I want to apologize for my little tantrum. (I'm fairly embarrassed.) I decided to open a personal blog so I could be honest with myself and others. Unfortunately, I'm not always pleasant, (just ask my husband!) but I am sorry.

Do what makes you happy. Always.

On Photography

2011-05-07T16:26:00.006-05:00

Remember that cookout we went to for DH's unit the other day? There was a gentleman walking around with a large DSLR taking photographs. He stopped to chat with us and DH said his camera appeared complicated. He replied, "As long as you have a nice camera, shooting in auto is going to give you better photos than using manual, so it's really easy. Anyone can do it." Knowing a thing or two about DLSR cameras & photography, this struck a chord. I politely responded, "I disagree". (I wanted to say, "only if you don't know how to use the damn thing!") He looked puzzled and gave a nervous smile before quickly exiting our company.

Nothing irritates me more than people who assume a nice camera will turn them into a photographer with a snap of the fingers. DSLR's are not fairy godmothers. A true photographer requires passion, hard work, knowledge and time. Popping up a business several months after your purchase is too soon. (And frankly will piss off the rest of us who are actually WORKING to reach a professional level.) It's a long, grueling process that needs to be recognized. Imagine the new guy (with no prior experience) getting the job you slaved over while hoping for a promotion. Offensive, right?

I cannot tell you how badly I want this. Sure, I could start charging people now for sub par photographs, but I set high standards for myself and want to give people the gift they deserve. It's going to be a while before I feel comfortable considering photography my occupation. So much to learn. Frustrating trial and error runs. Thoughts like, "I'm not good enough" and "Will I ever get there?"

It's a scary thing, putting your whole heart in. You could very well end up broken. I fear that my sweat and tears won't make a difference, and those instant-gratification photographers will be just as, (if not more) successful.

I have to remember to look at the big picture and not let the fear or frustration get to me. That would be the biggest tragedy of all, losing sight of what really matters.

Liquid Samoa

2011-05-06T17:44:00.007-05:00

What a wonderful day!

Got a fridge full of food for 65 bucks, courtesy of Aldi.

Picked up a treat from Starbucks on the way home with the 5 bucks we saved... it's happy hour from 3-5pm you know. (Half off frappuccinos! YES!) We scored two grande coconut mocha creme frappuccinos cheap!

It hit the spot. Ranking number 2 after my all time favorite - pumpkin spice.

Both my boys are napping (I should be too!) and I just finished whipping up a bowl of bacon ranch pasta for our first grillout/bonfire of the season! Maybe I'll make a new friend! (Man, I'm desperate!) If not I'll come home smelling like campfire... so there's that! :)

They're My Girls

2011-05-05T23:37:00.021-05:00

My sister is getting ready to graduate, and something she said tonight sent me into a tailspin down memory lane. I try not to hash over the past too often, but occasionally I believe a bit of self reflection is healthy.

In high school I was incredibly self absorbed and generally acted for personal gain. I told lies, gossiped, and stirred up drama - WHILE convincing myself I was a decent person. (Your typical high-school girl.) I found millions of reasons to pity myself when in fact I had a pretty great life. (Still working on that one... ha!) I lived in my own bubble and I'm so glad it's long since been broken.

Unfortunately, I can't rewind to change anything. What's done is done. All I can do now is be aware of the choices I am making today... and today I want to assure the friends I had that I am genuinely concerned about their happiness and well being. I honestly believe in each one of them and the potential they possess. I wish I would have taken the time to really know them. If only I'd had the patience and heart I have now.

Mostly... I'm sorry for ever making them feel bad about themselves.

Not The Only One

2011-05-05T17:55:00.006-05:00

Wow! I stumbled onto this blog by accident (or not... thanks Lord!) a few minutes ago and found an entry I could have written myself!

"There’s never a moment when I am without my children. Phillip works very long hours and by the time he gets home in the evening the last thing I feel like doing is going out by myself (not to mention that he is absolutely exhausted!).

Phillip’s job is very busy and very stressful. It hasn’t helped that he never gets a break at his work and that they move from one crisis to another.

So - it’s been hard!! I am truly a 100% stay at home mom these days and I honestly don’t like it.

I love my children and have absolutely no desire to go out and get a 40 hour a week job and drop my kids off at day care every day. It would break my heart and I am so thankful that God has blessed us to a point where that isn’t something I have to do. But the other end of the spectrum is also a huge challenge for me. I feel like the more time I spend with my kids the less patient I am and the less I like them! My house just gets dirtier and dirtier. I work harder and harder. And everyone just gets more frustrated. I feel like I have so many talents and abilities and acting like a kindergarten teacher all day is not one of them."

I'm beginning to realize that I'm not a bad stay at home mom, but in fact what I've been feeling is... normal! I am so relieved that there are others who find being home with their kids exhausting or frustrating. I don't always like it and I feel guilty about that... but to know I'm not the only one is a load off my back!

The Nitty Gritty

2011-05-04T16:32:00.005-05:00

I don't feel alive.

I know that's an awful thing to say. But every day I go through the motions and have nothing to show for. Wake up. Feed the kid. Surf the web. Clean. Put baby down for nap. Watch tv. Clean. Feed the kid. Start supper. Eat and watch tv with husband. Go to bed.

I've wanted to be a wife and a mom since the ripe age of 3. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have this opportunity to stay home and raise my son. I love being with him and I can't imagine not being home with him... but I want to do more. Is that selfish? I'm not sure.

I'm awfully lonely. All of our family and friends live states away and the few friends we have made here are leaving. I only see my husband about 3 or 4 hours a day at best. Considering my one year old can only babble, I'm alone with my thoughts most of the time. Probably why I'm going a bit nuts. :)

I expressed all of this to my husband recently. It's hard for him to understand and I don't blame him! To most people I'm living the life! No worries, not much stress. Leisure is mine! The thing about leisure is that it's only fun for a little while before it loses appeal and becomes, well, boring.

I know there are solutions to this "problem" of mine, but I'm being stubborn. My husband is military, and I know what we are doing is only temporary. (Hopefully very temporary.) Because I know that we'll return to the life we once had, surrounded by friends, family, everything we know... I'm having a hard time building a new one. I don't want to put in the effort it will take to make friends, join groups, or find hobbies when my time is limited. Instead I sit at home, pout, and wait. Oh, the waiting! have no idea when we get to move on, I just know we will. Could be next month, could be two years from now. I very much feel like my life is on hold and I'm so tired of sitting on my hands. I just want to do.

Unfortunately, I'm lacking energy, motivation, and inspiration. I'm really at a loss for reasons I'm not trying harder to change my attitude. DH says, "Take a walk every day. Join a bible study..." and so on. I'm just not interested. Maybe I need a good kick in the ass. I don't know. I guess I'm searching for purpose and direction.

No!

2011-05-02T21:03:00.002-05:00

It's been a long day. My one year old is fascinated with taking objects off shelves and throwing them over his shoulder. I don't think I've ever said "no!" as much as I have today. I suppose it's no coincidence that he's been incredibly cranky all evening. Babies feed off the attitude of their parents. Just saying "no!" as much as I have has me worn down and feeling crappy.

Tomorrow I hope to say "yes!" and encourage him. I don't want to be that mom who teaches her child to say "no!" to everything.

I'll read him a book. Two books. Build a puzzle. Take a stroll through the neighborhood. I don't spend nearly enough time being creative with him and he's learning every second.

Part of the reason I created this blog was to figure out how to feel good about myself. I know that being a better mom is one step in that direction.

I think I'll go give that sweet little man a snuggle and read him a bed time story.

A Commitment Made

2011-04-30T11:25:00.011-05:00

"True love is not this fairytale life that never knows pain, it's two souls facing it together and diminishing it with unconditional love."

Two years later, that's exactly what we're doing. Happy anniversary, husband. You know how much I love you.

Top 'O The World Road

2011-04-25T21:56:00.003-05:00

I have many words but little energy. I miss writing around here, it's something I'll have to remedy. For now... more photographs. You aren't complaining, are you? We've had lots of visitors this month! My family made a spontaneous trip over easter weekend. We had a blast. Now silence remains and I turn to routine for normalcy. This season of our life is so unpredictable. But like I said... many words, little energy. Another post, I hope. :)

A Haircut

2011-04-19T11:23:00.002-05:00

Where'd my baby go?!

Bye Bye Gramma!

2011-04-14T16:17:00.001-05:00

And just like that, she is back in Wisconsin. We miss her so much! Wish there was time for one more strawberry margarita! {Grin} It's gloomy and gray out, so we'll have to look at photographs from her trip and smile at the fun we had! We love you Gramma! Thanks for visiting (and spoiling) us!

Discovery

2011-04-10T23:25:00.001-05:00

New & old readers alike, I apologize for the dust that has gathered! I did not mean to crash the party and run, but life caught up to us! Thanks for being here. :)

We have a visitor in our home, and in light of recent hardships her trip is all the more sweet. My delightful mother-in-law has blessed us with her company and we are eating it up! Today we took a stroll through the park. Levi is just beginning to discover how vast this world is. He didn't know which way to crawl first! Those big eyes filled with wonder as he chugged along the playground, a place he'll likely learn a few of life's lessons. Such innocent, impressionable minds! What a precious heart he has.

I Need A Break!

2011-03-30T13:08:00.001-05:00

I am feeling incredibly behind in life right now. The laundry is teetering dangerously high, piles of paperwork litter the house, and I don't think I'll ever finish cleaning. I have a to-do list one mile long and projects I've been meaning to get to for months. Man I wish there was a PAUSE button!

Being disorganized really bums me out. I can't keep my head above water! I'm probably feeling the pressure to get things done because I'm having surgery soon, and while it's minor I'll still be "out of commission" for a week.

I stay at home with Levi while Michael works, so whenever I tell him I have a million things to do he goes, "like what?!" Uh, would you like to see my list?! Don't forget to throw in a busy one year old on top of everything else I have to keep up with! This is an area we both struggle with. I don't give him enough credit when it comes to his office job, and he probably thinks I spend all day sleeping or watching TV. Sometimes I wish we could switch!

Yesterday I was feeling particularly stressed. Michael returned from work, slumped into the couch and turned on the tv, as he rightfully should after long hours at work. Like any other day, I had gone in circles chasing Levi... changed a million diapers, endured whining, (screaming, pouting) stepped on every pointy toy in the house, forked out five hundred vanilla wafers, pulled object after object out of his mouth ... you get the idea. I wanted A BREAK. Just like Michael did.

Watching Michael ignore {and not on purpose} Levi's dirty diaper, hungry cries, and rubbing eyes really upset me. From 5-9pm each night I'm not the only adult responsible for this little human monster, but a lot of the time it still feels like it. {This is not always the case, Michael puts a lot of effort into being a daddy. Sometimes I just wish he'd take over completely... ha!}

Of course, when I bring this up to Michael he is none too happy. Why would he be?! He wakes up at 5am to go to a job he hates for 12 hours before he comes home. That hardly seems like a break to him.

So where's the compromise? To support, feed, and shelter this family my husband sacrifices his time and energy into a job that drives him to the brink of insanity. While he's bringing home the bacon, I take care of our little monster and all other household duties. {A seemingly never ending job.} Why are we driven to fight over who has it worse? Who does more? How is that being a loving and respectful spouse? How do I say, "I need a break" to someone who needs one more than I do?

Projecting our problems onto the internet is outside my comfort zone. I hate to appear unappreciative and disrespectful. I just want to make it clear that this is NOT Michael's doing, but rather the inevitable conflicts that arise between a hard working dad and stay at home mom. Sometimes living 12 hours away from all of our friends and family causes me to feel isolated and alone when it comes to these "issues" that I know other stay at home moms experience. I guess that's why I blog. I don't feel so alone.

If only a long vacation were in our near future... breakfast in bed, room service, a cleaning lady... if only!

Practice

2011-03-22T16:44:00.001-05:00

I took Michael and Levi out to the countryside to practice with the evening light. I am photographing a family outside my own this week, and wanted some idea of what to expect from the sun at this particular hour. Now I know why photographers suggest going out shortly before dusk! Such buttery golden light! I'm not entirely happy with the following photos, which means I'll just have to keep trying! (What a fun sort of practice this is!) (Oh, a farm dog came running out of the cows' field to play. It was quite scary at first, actually, to have this beast running at you. But she turned out to be so friendly... and my boys LOVE dogs!)

Kansas City

2011-03-20T16:01:00.001-05:00

We ventured to Kansas City for the weekend so Michael could work. Our hotel was gorgeous! I basked in a pale blue ambiance and dreamt of painting the rooms of our future home. We woke up to a beautiful morning light that almost had us forget how much Levi did not enjoy his sleeping quarters. He surprised us with a tooth - doh! We just returned from the big city... feels good to be home. :)

We Go For Walks

2011-03-10T17:31:00.001-06:00

These boys are the light of my life. My husband is always supportive and encouraging, even during times of struggle. I am incredibly blessed to walk alongside him.

I Want It, I want It Bad

2011-03-06T21:19:00.001-06:00

A photography business, that is.

Oh, and more babies.

Phew... glad I got that off my chest.

One

2011-02-19T02:20:00.001-06:00

I was pushing. After 9 long months of pregnancy, 6 long months of deployment, and 16 long hours of labor, I was finally bringing our baby into the world. Michael was standing next to me.

I didn't feel a thing. Thank you, epidural. I watched Levi emerge. I watched the faces around me. I was scared, mostly. I think it all happened in slow motion. Or maybe someone hit fast forward.

It's 12:20am. We were parents. We had a baby. He was so small. Oh my gosh was he small. "Look at his hair!" "Oh, he has dimples!" "Looks like his daddy!" We smiled so big our cheeks hurt.

Our families oohed and ahhed, the nurses wheeled him away, we slept. I woke up like a kid on Christmas day. A soft little bundle all my own was in the next room. He was perfectly made by God, given to us. It was barely light out and I held him in the stillness of the morning, nothing but the sound of Michael's breath rising and falling several feet away. Nothing but us.

He made those beautiful newborn noises. The sucking and cooing and squeaking. I couldn't stop stroking the silk of his hair or marveling at how tiny his features were. In the dark of that hospital room I was falling in love with a child.

A year ago to the hour.

I've had so many more hours to fall for him. My heart grows every day.

Happy Birthday Stinky. You'll always be special because you made me a mama.

Smash Cake

2011-02-19T01:11:00.001-06:00

Instead of planning a huge birthday bash for Levi like most moms, I've been preparing for a smash cake shoot instead. I'd be willing to bet it was just as stressful! :)

I ended up using a sheet for the backdrop. I wasn't crazy about the idea but didn't have many other options. While my original plan was to be outside on the balcony, it was much to windy so we relocated to Levi's room. The photos turned out a bit more grey than I would have liked, but I'm thrilled to have ten good shots.

The very first thing Levi did was stick his foot in the cake. I was curious to see if he would be tentative about eating it, but the kid dove right in and didn't waste a single second. He tried several times to crawl away, covered in cake, making even more of a mess! {Grin} It was too cute. Afterwards I just threw out the sheet, no scrubbing a highchair or cleaning up the floor!

We had quite a crowd crammed into his room while he was smashing. Michael was video taping, I was taking photos, my mom was taking photos, and my grandma was hooting and hollering the entire time. It was a party, alright! {Grin}

After a bath and bottle, the rest of us enjoyed our own fudge cake with ice cream. I made sure to save a piece for tomorrow's breakfast! {Grin}

So what do you think? Should I post the video?

Mommy Left the Door Open

2011-02-16T10:54:00.001-06:00

"Make a break for it!!!!"

"Whoa... I bet I can get into way more trouble out here!"

A Valentines Tradition

2011-02-15T20:26:00.001-06:00

Upside Down

2011-02-14T14:56:00.001-06:00

Upside down, blurry, out of sorts? That's how I've been feeling. My blogging/photog itch has returned... and once I right myself up, I just might too.

My Almost One Year Old

2011-02-06T23:35:00.001-06:00

He'll be one in a matter of days now. I can hardly believe it. Does he look like a one year old? He will always be a baby in my heart. I tell still tell Michael, "I can't believe we're parents". I'm not sure we'll ever get used to the idea. Lately I've been dreaming of time alone. Long car rides without fussing from the backseat. Free arms while walking through the store. Not worrying about nap schedules, diaper changes, or bottle making. I want to go out with my husband for hours and not have to worry. I want to do what I want, when I want... and I feel pretty awful about that. I knew these feelings would come, and I know they'll come again. I didn't know I could love someone so immensely. But I do... an almost one year old with a killer smile and giant dimples. Yeah, I'm in love with him.

This Moment

2011-02-04T02:34:00.001-06:00

- - -

Inspired by Amanda's moments on Fridays. A single photo - no words - to capture a moment from the week. A moment to pause, savor, and remember.

Touch Up Tuesday : Gym Membership

2011-01-18T11:52:00.002-06:00

This was mostly an excuse to reveal my weight loss blog! {Grin} If you want to offer encouragement/support, or if you're going through your own weight loss journey... feel free to stop by!

Also, if you like the original of this weeks edits better... I just might cry. I've been avoiding another fail attempt to "fix" a photo! I DID get photoshop elements 9 for Christmas, {thanks mom!} but haven't used it yet. Next Touch Up Tuesday, I'll use the elements. :)

This Moment

2011-01-14T20:32:00.001-06:00

- - -

Inspired by Amanda's moments on Fridays. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week, a moment to pause, savor, and remember.

Project 365 : Week 1

2011-01-08T10:58:00.002-06:00

Day One | January 1st

We were still in Wisconsin for the New Year and my father-in-law made two lemon meringue pies... look at that perfect fluff!!

Day Two | January 2nd

Levi had his FIRST haircut with Gramma while we were there!

Day Three | January 3rd

Day Four | January 4th

I took this while we were waiting in the airport to board our flight home.

Day Five | January 5th

After a week away... we needed groceries!

Day Six | January 6th

Day Seven | January 7th

I had a Starbucks giftcard that needed to be put to use... a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich it was! Yum!

Memories, Dreams, & Reflections 2010

2011-01-02T19:59:00.003-06:00

One | Me!

I remember this day well... I had just painted my toenails a sexy red and dressed in my favorite summer skirt. Michael took Levi and I to Pillsbury Crossing, a beautiful natural park with waterfalls and a river. Later there were salsa and chicken enchiladas. It was a good day to remember.

Two | I Love You

I love this man, that baby, and everything about this photograph. The warm light, the reflecting glass window, the old buildings, our maya wrap... my mom took it for us while visiting in October. After handing her the camera, Michael kiss attacked me by surprise.

Three | Still Laughing...

We took a "hike" through the Governor's park in Topeka one weekend. I was determined to get a photograph for our Christmas card. While this one didn't make the cut, I can't help but laugh at the memory of Levi giggling at his daddy.

Four | Winter Wonderland

I was born and raised in Wisconsin, so I've had my fair share of winter wonderlands. After marrying my husband and moving to Kansas, I've patiently waited for a snowfall that has yet to come. Those twinkle lights look so wrong against a yellow palette, but I think it's starting to grow on me...

Five | Birthday

Our sweet Levi Robert was born on February 19th, at 12:20am. Michael was deployed to Iraq at the time, but God brought him home for Levi's birth. After 16 hours of labor, we became parents to one 6 lb 7 oz bundle. I will never forget that day.

Six | I Was Inspired...

I look at this photograph and know I am incredibly blessed. I am married to a Godly man with a huge heart. He is passionate about his family, and passionate for his country. He inspires me to be a better wife, mother, and person.

Seven | Spring Fever

Maybe not your typical spring photo, but one I had taken last April while still living in Wisconsin. As you can see, the winters there hang around far too long. I love the buds at the tip of each branch, a sure sign of the spring to come.

Eight | Travel or Vacation

I honestly scrambled for this shot. I went on my first plane ride this year to welcome Michael home from Iraq, and have traveled a few times since. Perhaps I'd enjoy flying more sans baby... he really keeps things interesting. This time we threw him a bag of pretzels and he played happily the remainder of the flight. It was foggy outside my window, so I settled for a photo of Michael's airplane soda. I usually don't drink any because I have my hands full... you airplane soda drinkers don't know how lucky you are. :)

Nine | Summer Days

I think this may have been the only day at the beach we had this summer. After thoroughly lathering Levi in sunblock and jumping a few waves, I scouted the shore for photo opportunities. I'm a huge fan of cliche.

I couldn't chose only one summer photo...

Our last night living in Wisconsin. The house was packed up, the moving truck loaded. The weather was absolutely perfect. I dragged Michael all over town to freeze my home town on film. We ran into his parents on the way, walking Levi and enjoying the summer evening. I think it may have been my favorite shot of the night.

Like I said... huge fan of cliche. :)

Ten | A Day In My Life

I used to love looking up from soapy dishes to see Levi playing in his room. I say "used to", because now that he can crawl he would rather play on the floor than in his saucer. Sometimes I can still coax him into it for a few minutes. I love being a stay at home mom, well... some days. ;)

We started cloth diapering Levi when he was 7 months. A little late into the game, but quite the adventure! While I really loved seeing his bum in cloth, and the feel of warm cloth diapers fresh from the dryer... we packed them away once he started eating table food. You moms know how the poo gets... er... bad once the table food begins. {Grin} I plan to cloth our next baby until then as well.

Eleven | All Smiles

I was pretty flattered my sister asked me to photograph her senior portraits. We both liked this one best. A sincere smile in black and white... she is so stunning.

Twelve | Autumn Harvest

It might look like he's being curious, but he's really trying to eat the stem of the pumpkin. Goof :) I love the stone porch and bricks together...

Thirteen | Family

Although you can't see much of Levi here, I adore the photo. This is my family. This is what I live for.

Fourteen | Celebrate!

We welcomed home daddy at the end of july after 10 months of deployment. Definite cause for celebration!

Fifteen | Let's Do It Again

2010 brought us a healthy pregnancy and new baby boy. I can't wait to see when God blesses us with another!

Sixteen | I Miss You

Wisconsin country side... 'nuff said.

Seventeen | Beautiful

Michael picked this flower for me in Des Moines, Iowa, while we were moving everything we have to Kansas. I love the photo, but never had a reason to post it.

Eighteen | Dress Up

My sister is incredible with a sewing machine and costume making. Michael wanted a bear hat to match Levi's. Too bad we lost his just days before receiving her gift. My favorite part of this photograph is the snow, and that he is looking out from my parents front door - the home I grew up in.

Nineteen | Holidays

Twenty | My Favorite

Every photo I've shared so far is a favorite, but I can't leave this one out!

Twenty One | Just Because... So There!

Today Levi got his first haircut by Gramma! He was not crazy about it. I can't get over how beautiful this photo turned out, though! {Despite how sad he looks!}

Twenty Two | Hopes & Dreams

2010 has been a BLESSED year for us! I am excited for all that 2011 will bring! Happy New Year everyone!!!

A Birthday Party

2010-12-26T22:12:00.002-06:00

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! This was Levi's first Christmas, and our first as a family! Christmas Eve also marked the day, three years ago, that Michael and I became a couple. Many reasons to celebrate!

We had a quiet morning opening presents and eating Christmas brunch. Levi was not as excited about the wrapping paper as I had anticipated. He enjoyed his gifts, though! We finally purchased him a toy cell phone... I was beginning to worry one more slobber would end my phone's life. I hate to say he looks like a texting teenager already...

My husband is a history buff. He's been researching the French & Indian war heavily, as he wishes to give reenactment a try. I couldn't resist getting him a French

trade knife... he was quite pleased :) He thinks he looks like a "tool" in this photograph... but I was too excited not to post it!

MMM... GGma spoiled us rotten with candy! That's what grandmas are for, right? :)

Michael gave me a silver wedding band to match my engagement ring. :) Because we were married so quickly while he was home on R&R two years ago, we never got

around to buying rings for each other. I am so happy to finally have one! I didn't take a photo of it just yet, but I thought the package was pretty too!

No better way to end the morning than french toast, a sprinkle of powdered sugar, and a Christmas nap! {Grin}

Happy Birthday Jesus! We are so thankful for Your life! We are richly blessed because of YOU!

Because I Couldn't Decide

2010-12-23T11:21:00.001-06:00

My sweet Levi playing with our chocolate advent calender. Nothing like letting him play while I eat the chocolate! :)

Honestly, what's more magical than watching a child discover, learn, and grow? {Especially when chocolate is involved!} {Grin}

Comfort in Literature

2010-12-22T11:09:00.002-06:00

Before I begin todays post, I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, and your honesty, after yesterdays unsuccessful edit. I have been posting photographs on my personal blog for a year and a half - never this focused. Only three days into the journey I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed {in both good & bad ways} because... this art is not easy! It's a challenge and takes work. It's more than pushing a button and hoping for the best. You reap what you sow, right?

I'm struggling with the second part of photography - editing. {Also something I've been doing for over a year, with Picnik.} I either over-do it, or don't do enough. Like I said yesterday, that balance is hard to find. I've finally hit a wall and Picnik is just not cutting it anymore. I'm not naive enough to believe photoshop will "fix" my issues, but I do think it will open new doors and provide options. Thank goodness Christmas is right around the bend! {Grin}

The following photos are of great comfort to me as I LOVE TO READ! We've been living in Kansas since August, and finally visited the public library last week. Once we hit the glass doors, Michael and I split... it was very amusing. I went straight to the "new fiction"section while he headed upstairs to the history shelves. One hour later {and ten books heavier} we left with smiley faces. I don't think either of our noses have yet to leave a book.

I love the clutter on our dresser... it means we've been snuggled up in bed, reading together into the wee hours of night!

Can you guess who picked which book? {Grin}

This was actually taken before our trip to the library... I had to finish up the ever popular Linger before diving into my new stash. {The edge of our coffee table was chewed up by the dog. I was pretty upset at the time, but for the sake of photography, I think it's perfect.} {Grin}

I just might make a mug of hot chocolate and enjoy a few chapters of The Writers Circle now. {That or tackle a mountain of laundry.} I was actually thinking... would anyone like to take a go editing my photo from yesterday? I'd love to see what another mind/program comes up with. If there are any takers, you can just right click and save the original that was posted, and then email your edits to kayla.sue3{at}hotmail{dot}com. If anyone responds, perhaps I'll post them another day. {Grin}

This is Now

2010-12-17T14:16:00.001-06:00

I have not been myself lately.
I haven't blogged.
I haven't touched my camera.
I miss all things Wisconsin.

But here's the deal. We'll (more than likely) be moving back in less than two years. Living in Kansas with only my husband and baby? It's fleeting. I don't want to look back on this time and think, "I really took that for granted", like I did the relationships we left back home.

This is now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. I will delight in the blessings God gives us, because someday... I'll miss this.

'Cause I've Got Nothing

2010-12-11T23:01:00.001-06:00

I haven't taken many photos recently. Not much inspiration, I suppose. This little guy decided to hang out on our balcony for a few minutes earlier today, he was probably taking cover from the incredible winds. I think our house is going to topple over, it's so windy. (AND COLD.) I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever get snow here in Kansas. Wisconsin is expecting 15 inches this weekend... rats. At least we'll have a white Christmas when we visit! Hopefully these next several weeks speed by, I'm ready to see my family and begin the new year. I think I'll start the 365 photo project come January. Also, a serious weight loss journey. FOR REAL.

We went to the mall tonight, and they had the worst santa I've ever seen. He was young, dark haired, and the beard was so tacky. (Maybe he's just the P.M. guy. I hope.) I don't know what was going on, but one of the assistants was practically groping her boyfriend (I assume) in front of the families. What?! Following that scene Michael and I discussed telling Levi about Santa. I don't think we will... it only distracts from the celebration of Christ's birthday.

I'm feeling rather "bah, humbug" tonight. It's going to be a long winter.

P.S. I have several (adorable) videos of Levi I'd like to share, but cannot figure out how to get them off our flip camera and onto my mac. Does anyone know?

Hardships

2010-12-09T21:53:00.001-06:00

Life is so hard sometimes.
I am easily discouraged. Easily hurt.
Personal trials... man I hate feeling like this.

But I AM blessed in many, many ways.
Lord, this is how I grow. You are refining me.
I know you desire our trust. My trust.
You will show us the wonders of Your will.
Just trust in that.
Just trust.

Wordless Wednesday : Special Delivery

2010-12-08T00:41:00.001-06:00

Little Person

2010-12-03T22:56:00.001-06:00

Nine (and a half) months is when the terrible two's start, right? (Quit laughing!) Our wonderfully happy ~~angel~~ baby has turned into quite the little person... and that little person has got a temper.

I'll cut him some slack and point out the two bottom teeth that are bludgeoning their way through his gums. That can't feel good, and he has the right to be upset. Mostly, I fear his temper is by nature and sore gums are a only a (good) excuse.

Earlier today I took him to a local screening for children 0-5, called Check Your Child. I have had concerns for some time regarding certain areas of his development. He passed his hearing and vision test easy breezy, (beautiful, covergirl. Sorry, couldn't help it... ANTM fan. Speaking of, anyone watch the finale? I was disappointed.) and then it was time for the developmental portion. They had him play with a few toys, checking to see if he'd bang objects together, pass them from one hand to the other, look for the object if it was hidden/out of sight, and so on. He did really well, and although he didn't pick up the cheerio with his thumb and index finger, (he uses his whole palm to scrape it up) he DID use them to grab a shoelace. Interesting, I thought.

While being evaluated and handed loads of toys, (then promptly having them taken away) he threw a tantrum. I have never felt embarrassed by his behavior until that moment. He would screech and writhe in my arms until another toy filled his chubby little palms. What have I done?! The spoiling begins this young?! Please tell me I can reverse it in a completely painless fashion. (Grin) What's that, you say? Parenting is never easy? Remind me next time I mention I want a small herd of children. (And Levi really is a wonderful baby, we just are not used to these flares of anger from someone so cute!)

Anyway, we concluded he's behind in a few gross motor skills. He cannot sit and balance unassisted, and does not stand alongside furniture. I honestly think he's a wee bit lazy and uninterested. (Although crawling he loves... he's perfected the army crawl and can really get across a room!) After some discussion, we decided to bring the infant to toddler program into our home, and they will do physical therapy (and I use that term loosely) with Levi to get him where he needs to be. I am excited and sad that he will be mobile very soon. (and I hear that I should be scared!) (Grin) I was putting him into a new pair of tennis shoes today, and he looked so grown up. Our baby has turned into a little person! Guess we need another one! Just kidding:) I have to lose 60 pounds first... OH! Monday I begin the couch to 2k program! I have never been a runner but always wanted to be. Wish me luck! (Lots, and lots of it!)

I Can {Almost} Crawl!

2010-12-02T12:31:00.001-06:00

Because of Him

2010-11-30T16:53:00.002-06:00

I look for spicy food at the grocery store.

I say "huss" to the dog, instead of "come".

I have had spilled corn-nuts in my car for nearly two months.

I can differentiate between dog breeds. {Particularly pit bulls, mastiffs, and bull dogs.}

I wear men's flannel button-up shirts.
I read in the bathroom.

I spell the word tomorrow out at least once a week.

I always have someone to finish my food.

We have lost three or four debit cards.

I carry a can of pepper-spray on me.

I'll drink tap water.

I go deaf each time I turn on the car radio.

There's occasionally beer in our refrigerator.

I regularly watch {and enjoy} The Walking Dead {a zombie show}.

I give haircuts at 5am.

I always check pockets before doing laundry.

I might reenact the French & Indian war.
I am tackled and wrestled with nearly every day.

I say "Bookah Bookah" to Levi. {Crazy speak for "I love you".}

I've been to every gun store in town. {Or at least sat in the parking lot.}

I don't think it's weird to say "Howdy" in greeting.

I always have someone to clean up after. {Grin}

I realize men have a "nothing" box in their brain that I will never understand.

I can buy new underwear and not feel guilty.

I check craigslist daily.

I am "Buttercup".

I have a plan should a zombie attack ever occur.
I look forward to 5pm each evening.
Our next large purchase will be a 32" flat screen TV.
I eat hummus.
I want to be better.

I'd rather have a truck than a mini-van.

I know how to make egg salad.

Someone always believes in me.

My heart jumps at a man dressed in ACU's.

I love my life.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-29T22:19:00.001-06:00

A Walk in the Governor's Park

2010-11-24T09:46:00.002-06:00

We spent a wonderful weekend in Topeka at a marriage seminar {more on that in another post} and afterward explored what turned out to be acres of park directly next to the Governor's mansion! We parked behind his home, saw his black SUV & Christmas decor, and discussed how easy it would be to jump that weak fence. {Minus the security surveillance.} I haven't the slightest idea who the Governor of Kansas is, but... cool. {Grin}

The park we walked, {or "hiked" - wishful thinking on Michael's part} was beautiful. It was fairly warm considering recent temperatures, and while I was hoping to get our Christmas photos taken, winter has yet to arrive. You can tell I tried smashing the seasons together similar to a pair of magnets.

Last night I had this bright idea to start advertising my photography {for next to nothing} in hopes of making some extra cash. I spent the entire morning working on a portfolio, only to close it out this afternoon. I struggle with this often, pretending not to want it because it's easier than trying and failing. I also hate that photography is considered the current tupperware business of the season among stay at home moms and dads. It's hard {for me} to see special, beautiful, or meaningful when everyone is doing it. {Also makes one feel like a very tiny fish in a very big OCEAN.}

BUT! I needed to create a portfolio. It forced me to focus on how far I have come rather than focusing on how far I have to go. I am fairly proud of myself thus far... it's been quite a transformation for only 10 months time. Do I want to push forward? Yes. {I think. Some days.} Does that necessarily mean going "pro"? Not at all. I am significantly far from crossing that "this is my career" line. I find joy photographing my life, but need fine tuning before I bring that joy to others. {And a whole lot of courage. Lord, help me.}

This has been weighing on my mind {and heart} heavily recently. I lay it at the cross and pray God brings me peace wherever I may end up. I think I can handle that. {Grin}

Rub A Dub... DUB!

2010-11-17T22:10:00.001-06:00

I couldn't choose, so today I have two similar shots of Stinky :)

Guess he's not so stinky anymore!

p.s. he started doing the army crawl tonight... well, if we bribe him, that is. {Grin}

The Last of the Season

2010-11-17T11:38:00.001-06:00

This could very well be my final autumn shot for the year. {A bit of a noisy one at that... forgive me.} It's a forgotten photograph from early October, taken at the start of a ripe fall. Thanksgiving is Thursday, and {for me} it marks the end of this season. Did I mention it snowed this week? Yes, SNOWED. It was lovely! The flakes were giant and heavy, they fell quickly outside my window and created a vast sea of white. That same day I pulled out our bin of holiday decorations and put up the tree. Michael laughed and called it a "charlie brown tree". After a shower of ornaments and twinkle lights, {and much "sprucing" from my end} it's looking lots better. I kept things fairly simple, and only set out a small nativity otherwise. {Also a vanilla cookie candle that smells HEAVENLY.}

Autumn... I am feeling nostalgic at your departure, but it's time to bid adieu.